The Mentalist in Briefs
by Hayseed Socrates
Summary: Episodes condensed to seventeen syllables. Hope you enjoy them. (an experiment in haiku) The final installment is up, Season 7.
1. Chapter 1

.

Don't own Mentalist

No copyright infringement

Intended. Cash free.

.

 **And now for something completely different...this won't be everyone's cup of tea. Thanks to Entwife Incognito for the idea. I love haiku, but never considered mixing it with The Mentalist. I've tried to summarize each Season 1 episode in a haiku - usually in one, but sometimes more (I'm not into rules). Not sure if it will be entertaining to read, but it sure was fun to do. If folks find it enjoyable, I'll continue. If not, ah well, I had a great time writing them. I've included an all caps title for each haiku. (cuz I wanted to)**

 **.**

 _Episodes condensed_

 _to seventeen syllables._

 _So how did I do?_

.

 **Pilot 1.01**

INTRO TO PATRICK JANE

Catch the killer. Make

Teresa smile. Rest under

a blanket of guilt.

.

 **Red Hair and Silver Tape 1.02**

 **.**

LISBON'S REALITY

Jane makes my life so

Difficult. Complicated.

But Jane makes my life..

.

JOKE'S ON YOU

You beat me at a

child's game. Too bad you don't have

a child anymore.

.

 **Red Tide 1.03**

 **.**

WHAT ANIMAL ARE YOU?

Jane is a lion.

Lisbon's a German Shepherd.

Both are heroic.

 **.**

 **Ladies in Red 1.04**

 **.**

SPEAKING OF LOVE

White orchids displayed.

Jane's method of seduction?

Love and affection.

.

NAUGHTY BITS

Had she seen Peter

and the Wolf, would she have seen

peter of the wolf?

.

 **Redwood 1.05**

 **.**

MELANCHOLY TUNE

Music is Jane's key

to memories. Dissonant

truths are hard to hear.

.

 **Red Handed 1.06**

 **.**

CASE CLOSED

Jane sniffed the hand in

the middle of the road. Cho

lost thirty five cents.

.

A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND

Jane gives Teresa

carbon under pressure. It

won't be the last time.

.

 **Seeing Red 1.07**

 **.**

KO'D

Enter one frizzy

haired fake psychic. She read Jane's

weak spot and punched hard.

.

 **The Thin Red Line 1.08**

 **.**

SNEAK PREVIEW

Lisbon grins at Jane

Enjoying a baby. Fast

forward a few years.

.

 **Flame Red 1.09**

 **.**

BURNING QUESTIONS

Marble judge Jane tips

hand to Lisbon. Is justice

state sanctioned vengeance?

.

PERVY PERV PERV

"I hope you burn like

a candle you miserable

son of a bitch." Hot.

.

ACCELERANT

Tommy throws gas on

Jane's burning need for revenge.

"It was redemptive."

.

 **Red Brick and Ivy 1.10**

 **.**

HONESTLY

"I think I deserve

the truth." Wait eight years until

you get the whole truth.

.

 **Red John's Friends 1.11**

 **.**

MANIPULATIONS

Son by his mother.

Minelli by Lisbon. Jane

by Red John. Next time?

.

 **Red Rum 1.12**

 **.**

WHICH WITCH?

Cho's superstitious.

Grace schools coach. Jane bags one more

Abusive father.

.

 **Paint it Red 1.13**

 **.**

STEAL THE BACON

Jane fleeces Russian

mobster for fun. Then draws bead

on callous father.

.

 **Crimson Casanova 1.14**

 **.**

AU NATURALE

Player Cho workin' it

No business like Cho business.

C'mon. You'd hit that.

.

WATER WISE

She knows you and still

loves you. Face splashed with advice.

Some day you'll take it.

.

 **Scarlett Fever 1.15**

 **.**

MOTHER LOVE

Jane knew a grieving

mother couldn't see child hurt.

A cougar bags Wayne.

.

 **Bloodshot 1.16**

.

LEMONY ANGER

Grace's first psycho

boyfriend plots. Crabby blind Jane

feels up Lisbon's smile.

.

 **Carnelian, Inc. 1.17**

 **.**

LEGENDS OF THE FALLS

Body falls. Trust fall.

Falk's fall ends in windfall for

needy family.

.

METAPHORICALLY JANE

Consultant sees an

ancient undersea worm in

a months old goat turd.

.

 **Russett Potatoes 1.18**

 **.**

A REAL SPUD

Wayne in trance attacks

team? WTF? Plot belongs

in a "B" movie.

.

 **A Dozen Red Roses 1.19**

 **.**

THE BIZ

Divas. Sycophants.

Drugs. A saddest! And a bit

of afternoon soap.

.

META

Formidable, she

loves sporty bad boys, holds on

tight to happiness.

.

 **Red Sauce 1.20**

PONY UP

Blondie does it with

style. Then gives Lisbon's inner

child her heart's desire.

.

 **Miss Red 1.21**

 **.**

DEVIL IN THE DETAILS

Doctor's legible

signature and disabled

man's scuffed shoes. Case closed.

.

 **Blood Brothers 1.22**

 **.**

BOOGIE MAN

Always best to tell

Agent Lisbon the truth. Just

ask Zachariah.

.

 **Red John's Footsteps 1.23**

 **.**

SEE PATRICK RUN

Smile in the sky, blind

mistress, elephants. Gumshoe

Jane's one step behind.

.

THE NUMBER THREE

"We saved a life." Jane

saved Lisbon's life, saving his

own in the process.

.

.

THE END

.

I'm curious to know if these were enjoyable to read, or whether the writing is more fun than the reading. (which may be the case) Thanks for giving it a try.


	2. Season 2 Mentalist in Briefs

.

I own nothing here.

No infringement intended.

No money involved.

 _AN: Thanks to everyone who commented on my Season 1 haiku. It was interesting to hear which ones folks responded to. I kept going with these, because they're fun to write! I know some readers have forgotten season 2, but here it is in brief. Hopefully these will jog your memory a bit._

 **Redemption 2.01**

 **.**

CIRCUS

While Bosco commits

Adultery with a hot dog,

He calls Jane a clown?

.

BOND

Bravado crumbles

Jane's stark loneliness revealed

For her eyes only.

.

 **Scarlet Letter 2.02**

 **.**

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

Elvis on ceiling

Dead men tell tales after all.

Bug's in Jane's Kool Aid.

.

 **2.03 Red Badge**

 **.**

RED HAIRING

Roy Carmen. Fishy

Ginger psych. Red John wouldn't

Be that obvious.

.

THAT OTHER THING

Jane hypnotizes

Lisbon, who puts Jane in a trance

With sway of jersey.

(or)

Jane glimpses into

Lisbon's head. He'd like to see

Under that jersey.

.

 **2.04 Red Menace**

 **.**

WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

Kid hates lawyer dad.

Rigsby hates his biker dad.

Jane wears fedora.

.

 **2.05 Red Scare**

 **.**

TASTE TESTING

Only the taste of

wine was supernatural.

Wayne and Grace suck face.

.

 **2.06 Black Gold and Red Blood**

 **.**

MINE

Bosco has Jane jailed

Because it's best for Lisbon?

Not fooling us, dude.

.

BY THE BOOK

If you give a mouse

a muffin, he's gonna want to

Get out of jail free.

.

UNDERSTATEMENT

Lisbon plays her cards.

"Does he mean that much to you?"

You've no idea.

.

SHALLOW POOLS

Jail isn't all bad.

Jane looks pretty fabulous

wearing those blue scrubs.

.

 **2.07 Red Bulls**

 **.**

CAGE MATCH

Sam and Jane's pissing

contest: Both want to be the

guy who Lisbon knows.

.

 **2.08 His Red Right Hand**

 **.**

AUTHOR'S NOTE

What is with this show?

Every time somebody dies

They play sad pop songs.

.

TRASH TALK

Jane says, "She loves me."

Lisbon snorts, but some day she

will tell him just that.

.

OUCH

"You were blind until

your wife and daughter were killed."

Woman had a point.

.

 **2.09 Price Above Rubies**

 **.**

PUT A RING ON IT

Jane recognizes

that a con man can go straight.

For the right woman.

.

 **2.10 Throwing Fire**

 **.**

COACHING ERROR

The cynical con:

Jane's nurture, not his nature.

Sins of the father.

.

 **2.11 Rose Colored Glasses**

 **.**

MORE THAN WORDS

The instrument she

really wants to play is Jane's.

We already know.

.

 **2.12 Bleeding Heart**

 **.**

CLEARING THE AIR

Jane's estimated

self worth under fifty bucks.

Hack nabbed. Melba's toast.

.

CONFESSION

There is nothing more

important than love, is there?

Jane seizes his truth.

.

 **2.13 Redline**

 **.**

PUPIL DILATION

Cat with fast cars likes

her damaged intensity.

Damn that turtleneck.

.

 **2.14 Blood In Blood Out**

 **.**

GLOBAL WARMING

Jane has the bad guy's

number and Kimball Cho's back.

Ice man melts in tears.

.

 **2.15 Red Herring**

 **.**

CALLED HER PEPPER

"Lisbon's straightening."

Boss hates poison politics.

Booze kills. Food for thought.

.

 **2.16 Code Red**

 **.**

STAYIN' ALIVE

Teresa maintains

Dignity in face of death,

Fist in face of Jane.

.

 **2.17 The Red Box**

 **.**

LOCK UP

Hightower explains

key to Lisbon's employment.

Case solved with wrong key.

.

 **2.18 Aingavite Bae**

 **.**

TREATY

Popo consultant

cues in new boss. He'll behave

If Lisbon's happy.

.

 **2.19 Blood Money**

 **.**

SYLVAN THEME

Jane's illegal search

Lets killer named Sylvan walk.

Not what she wanted.

.

INSIDE THE BOX

Affection contained,

Jane's trying to help Lisbon.

Most days that's enough.

.

 **2.20 Red All Over**

 **.**

CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON

Jane pokes eye of Stiles.

Blood spilled in verbal dual.

This isn't over.

.

MY GIRL

So bittersweet to

See Jane enjoying children.

Lisbon's a bad girl.

.

 **2.21 18-5-4**

 **.**

CHECK THE MATE

A smokescreen of clowns

All crying on the inside.

Jane fingers killer.

.

 **2.22 Red Letter**

 **.**

EXPLORING BOUNDRIES

Hightower meant well

but she shipped the wrong couple.

Jane's gal is "out there."

.

 **2.23 Red Sky in the Morning**

 **.**

YOU'LL REGRET THAT, BUT

Thank you Red John, for

shooting freaky filmmakers.

And for saving Jane.

.

.

.

.

 _Thanks for reading! I'd love feedback on which ones you liked (or hated) if you have the time and inclination_.


	3. Season 3

.

Don't own Mentalist.

No infringement intended.

Thanks Bruno Heller.

.

 _AN: Thanks to those who read and reviewed. This season was difficult to contain with only one haiku per episode, so I just wrote more. Haha. Hope you are entertained with this trip down memory lane._

.

 **Red Sky at Night 3.01**

,

I SMELL A RAT

Remember you should

never put your hand on Jane.

Bertram's flunky schooled.

.

SHE LEARNED FROM THE BEST

Boss manipulates

Jane into working the case.

Played him like a fish.

.

HABIT FORMING

Push Lisbon away.

Closeness could be dangerous.

Fear deeply planted.

,

 **Cackle-Bladder Blood 3.02**

.

PARALLAX

Persnickety Pete

pegs police partner. Pepper

ponders pachyderm.

.

OH DANNY BOY

Accusations of

Angela's brother hit hard.

"It's your fault she's dead."

.

GUILT IS FOR MARKS

Danny Ruskin drives

vintage Mercury Bobcat

into the sunset.

.

 **Blood on His Hands 3.03**

.

TEAM PLAYERS

Cho is Visualise

drone's worst nightmare. Van Pelt meets

second psycho beau.

.

ISOLATE THE TARGET

Red John takes away

everyone Jane cares about.

First date is snuffed out.

.

 **Red Carpet Treatment 3.04**

.

HEAD FIRST

Ever wonder why

Jane knew effective technique

for jumping to death?

.

SUSPENDED IN TIME

Frozen in midair

Jane pities flying machines.

He knows how they feel.

.

WHITE ARTS

From Art to Cocaine.

A natural transition.

Cho sees the logic.

.

BROMANCE

Three hours of brooding

silence and sarcasm. Bros.

It's like they're married.

.

MAN IN THE MIRROR

Brothers in vengeance.

Jane understands widower.

Sees his own future.

.

 **Red Ponies 3.05**

.

HOT TO TROT

Combine Patrick Jane

And horses. Plot is rendered

Unnecessary.

.

 **Pink Chanel Suit 3.06**

.

FUN AT A FUNERAL

Security guard

to mess with. Lots of free food!

A coffin for two.

.

AD LIB

My version of Jane

and Lisbon in a closet

Went way differently.

.

.

 **Red Hot 3.07**

.

RUG BURN

Loved locks solve case. Jane

teases. Bullets fly. Dirty

Harriet gets laid.

.

 **Ball of Fire 3.08**

.

APPLE OF HER EYE

Lisbon sports big smile.

Sits on couch with creaky Jane.

Comfort bickering.

.

DADDY'S GIRL

Even loony tunes

daughter knows Jane loves Lisbon.

Freaking obvious.

.

 **Red Moon 3.09**

PREVIEW

You have to be hard.

Dishonest. Devious. Cold.

To get your revenge.

.

ON THE ROAD AGAIN

Intimate car talk.

Lisbon's idealism

Versus Jane's vengeance.

.

CLUELESS

Always wanted Mars

to be Red John. He is Mar…

Red Barn's "Ellis"ton.

.

 **Jolly Red Elf 3.10**

.

ADDICTION

Fake undercover.

Jane's vulnerable moment.

Stabbed me in the feels.

.

COUP de GRACE

Tipsy Jane takes shots

To avoid navel assault,

must call cavalry.

.

QUEST

.

Jane seeks LaRoche list.

Visits drunken fish killer,

And plays matchmaker.

.

 **Bloodsport 3.11**

.

OH BROTHER

Looking for killer

LaRoche investigates Wayne

Cho lies for Rigsby.

.

BACK TO THE FUTURE

"Aren't you romantic?"

Lisbon says to Jane. Someday

She's find out how much.

.

 **Blood Hound 3.12**

BY THE NUMBERS

Decision science

consultant amuses Jane.

But he keeps her gift.

.

SNOOP "T" RAPS

Dead times two, couch new.

Doctor who? Jane fakes a clue.

What's boss gonna do?

.

 **Red Alert 3.13**

BY THE COMIC BOOK

ConsultantMan! nabs

DirtyCopMan!, helps husband.

That's just the ticket.

.

 **Blood for Blood 3.14**

.

DEMISE

Girl kills dad with gun.

Van Pelt kills Rigsby with ring.

Lisbon's dogma dies.

.

 **Red Gold 3.15**

.

SUPERDYNAMIC

Gold rush. Wet Lisbon.

He'd like to hold her nuggets.

Enjoyed jealousy.

.

BADASS BOSS

Hightower learns that

Jane and Lisbon have her back.

She gets the job done.

.

 **Red Queen 3.16**

.

IN RUINS

Framed Hightower saved

by Jane. Wise words: Nobody's

better off alone.

.

 **Bloodstream 3.17**

.

NO LITTLE YELLOW HOUSE

Cho in charge. Lisbon

sans responsibility.

Is power worth it?

.

 **Red Mile 3.18**

AGENT C

Abduction guru

thinks that aliens took Cho.

He's a Man in Black.

.

THANK YOU TOM SZENTGYORGYI

"It's there and then it's

gone." Most powerful moment

of the whole series.

.

 **Every Rose Has Its Thorn 3.19**

 **.**

NOT YET

Unspoken hopes are

first validated, then dashed

in two words. She was.

.

 **Redacted 3.20**

.

DUDE

Desired thing is right

in front of you. Really ties

your room together.

.

BODILY HARM

Teresa's fist hits

butthole Culpepper's jaw so

she can save Jane's ass.

.

 **Like a Redheaded StepChild 3.21**

.

INVITATIONS

Rigsby takes Grace home

to meet the parent while she

plans the wrong wedding.

.

FOREWARNED

Jane describes a high

security prison as

"pond with giant Pike."

.

 **Rhapsody in Red 3.22**

THE BELL TOLLS

Kid steals Cho's car and

heart. Jane lost in the music.

Sub par episode.

.

 **Strawberries and Cream 3.23**

.

SO FEMININE

Jane got Grace to ask

Lisbon to be bridesmaid so

he'd see her in dress.

.

SEASON 6

I will find you and

I will kill you and then I'll

forget about you.

.

DELETED SCENE

Grace and Craig in bed:

"What do those dot tattoos mean?"

Much more to story.

.

PERFECTION

After this, any

other Red John was bound to

be disappointing.

.

.

.

Thanks for reading – this was such a great season. It may be two weeks before I get season 4 done - I'm expecting a herd over Thanksgiving here in the states.


	4. Season 4

.

This makes no money.

Copyright infringement is

last thing on my mind.

.

.

 _AN:_

 _I'm having a ball_

 _writing these crazy haikus._

 _Thank you for reading._

.

Season 4 in Haiku

 **4.01 Scarlet Ribbons**

 **.**

RINSE AND REPEAT

Worst take back ever

We (and Lisbon) think deed's done.

Nope. Back to the hunt.

.

CRAZY BITCH

Carter's wife deserved

freaking Oscar, pretending

To be bereaved spouse.

.

 **4.02 Little Red Book**

 **.**

ERROR MESSAGE

Bertram decrees that

Jane will work without Lisbon?

"No, I don't think so."

.

SHORT STICK

Eventually

Tork will get Jane back for this.

Nearly gets him killed.

.

 **4.03 Pretty Red Balloon**

 **.**

PAST

Jane sees reflection

of his former self in Glass.

Feels shame and regret.

.

PRESENT

Lisbon lends support.

Jane confesses to client.

Gets absolution.

.

FUTURE

Jane thinks love is strange.

Then thinks about a sandwich.

Is proposal next?

.

 **4.04 Ring Around the Rosie**

 **.**

IMPROVISATION

Jane's Texas accent

Trumps Wainwright's naivety.

Sax soothes Teresa.

.

ET BAZINGA

Sheldon Cooper and

Patrick Jane prefer same couch

spot. Coincidence?

.

 **4.05 Blood and Sand**

 **.**

NO MAN IS AN ISLAND

Teresa's grumpy.

Jane enjoys nature's beauty.

These are good old days.

.

 **4.06 Where in the World is Carmine O'Brien**

 **.**

ALIENATED

Grown up Elliott

disrupts Reece's peace of mind.

Lisbon should phone home.

.

STORING INFORMATION

Jane's adorable

letting Lisbon vent. But it's

a family affair.

.

 **4.07 Blinking Red Light**

 **.**

WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD

Jane manipulates

Wainwright. Karen Cross. Panzer.

And finally, Red John.

.

CASE OF THE NEAT MEDICINE CABINET

Advice to bad guys:

If Patrick Jane asks to use

your restroom, say "No."

.

LENS OF SACRIFICE

Blinking Red Light sees

Jane expose his own secret

to stop more killing.

.

 **4.08 Pink Tops**

 **.**

GUM SHOELESS

Jane is in rare form.

Uncovers cop on the take

While in his sock feet.

.

FELINE VIBE

Not many people

Could make Cho cry like baby

Meet Summer Edgecomb.

.

 **4.09 The Redshirt**

 **.**

TRICK PLAY

Jane gets confession

By talking to "dead" athlete.

Assist from ear mic.

.

HARD EARNED WISDOM

"The truth hurts. I know."

"When you're dead, you're dead. Until

then, there is ice cream."

.

 **4.10 Fugue in Red**

 **.**

QUITE MEMORABLE

Sleeping together?

Yes, they are working toward it.

Can't miss anything.

.

JANE'S ACRONYM

I Left On Vest, Else

"T's" Eyes Red. Eyes Say All Love

Is Safe Bet, On Norm.

.

 **4.11 Always Bet on Red**

 **.**

CHASING MONSTERS

Guilt ridden father

kills himself. Jane's quest - better

coping strategy?

.

 **4.12 My Bloody Valentine**

 **.**

BS

Grace wanders woods with

a surly hooker. Saved by

Spirit Craig? Oh, please.

.

 **4.13 Red is the New Black**

 **.**

DUMBO

Darcy's back on case.

Wainwright's in over his head.

Feather solves the case.

.

 **4.14 At First Blush**

 **.**

A GOOD MAN

Eve was innocent.

Decided once and for all.

Jane's good deed proves it.

.

THE WHINE WITH MY CHEESE

Kimball and Summer.

Hot elevator lovin'.

Not Jane and Lisbon?

.

 **4.15 War of the Roses**

 **.**

THIS WILL BITE YOU IN THE ASS

Rascal Jane mostly

likes making Lisbon jealous.

Why does he do that?

.

 **4.16 His Thoughts Were Red Thoughts**

 **.**

TURN STILES

Creepy drones abound.

Jane's elegant plan puts Brett

in debt to Patrick.

.

 **4.17 Cheap Burgundy**

 **.**

DARCY SHOULD HAVE READ SOME SHAKESPEARE

The fool doth think he

is wise, but the wise man knows

himself to be fool.

.

SO MARRIED

"I need your help." "I

have to go, Jane needs me." "I

missed you." "Missed you too."

.

 **4.18 Ruddy Cheeks**

 **.**

WHO WEARS HEMP?

Tygers. Stinky Tea.

Jane smokes out gold digger wife.

Catches toxic nurse.

.

 **4.19 Pink Champagne on Ice**

 **.**

JACK'S BOX

Lisbon popping out

of box made this episode

Totally worth it.

.

 **4.20 Something's Rotten in Redmund**

 **.**

PATRICK JANE TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE

Petty tyrant pegged

by Jane's bathroom graffiti.

That pervy perv perv!

.

THERE IS METHOD IN MY MADNESS

Jane knew, because marm

was meaner to lover. Like

Lisbon is to him.

.

TEARS

"Yeah, he is gorgeous."

This scene made last White Orchids

scene much more poignant.

.

 **4.21 Ruby Slippers**

 **.**

WHY, OH WHY CAN'T I

"Dead" kid reborn as

person he wanted to be.

Maybe Jane can too.

.

 **4.22 So Long, and Thanks for All the Red Snapper**

 **.**

"THE" TERESA LISBON?

The one and only!

Jane's a kid in candy store.

Lisbon's past revealed.

.

CABIN BY THE POND AWAITS YOU

Lisbon's not wistful.

Intense and particular's

just Patrick Jane's type.

.

 **4.23 Red Rover, Red Rover**

 **.**

I WILL HURT YOU BADLY

Jane threatens Wainwright.

There's simply nothing hotter

than Protective Jane.

.

HARD CHOICES

As Jane drinks himself

Into stupor, he knows what

he has to do next.

.

BE HONEST, NOW

Can anyone say

that you didn't enjoy Jane

telling off Wainwright?

.

 **4.24 Crimson Hat**

 **.**

KIND GREEN EYES

Alone at night in

seedy Vegas hotel room.

What did Jane think of?

.

THAT THING HE SAID

During moment of

crisis, Jane's defenses fall.

And the truth slips out.

.

ALMOST

Darcy sure likes to

visit the morgue. Her clumsy

meddling ruins Jane's plan.

.

WAIT, YOU LEFT THAT LAST PART OUT

He contacted me.

He sent me a message and

I screwed her brains out.

.

.

.

 _I hope you enjoyed_

 _This version of Season Four_

 _Season five is next._


	5. Season 5

.

.

 _Infringement of the_

 _Copyright not intended._

 _I don't own this show._

.

 **AN**

 **Thank you for reading.**

 **You might be tired of these but**

 **appears I am not.**

 **.**

 **5.01 Red Glass Bead**

.

CLOSER THAN HE KNEW

Jane was almost right.

Conspiracy symbol was

three dots, not a bead.

.

LOYALTY

You touch the Boss, Cho's

Gonna take you down. Even

If you're F B I.

.

APPARENTLY I'M TWELVE

When Mancini threw

water bottle I chortled

with pure childish glee.

.

 **5.02 Devil's Cherry**

.

COPSBUSTINHAUSEN

Some chipmunk German

Makes evil neighbor confess.

Bunney is funny.

.

BELLA DONNA

Imaginary

daughter in Jane's subconscious

ships dad and Lisbon.

.

IN PANE

Is there anything

I wouldn't do to bring her

back? You'll never know.

.

 **5.03 Not One Red Cent**

.

BRAVADO

"It's not gambling if

You know that you're going to win."

Thinks she can stop Jane.

.

KINKY WHITE SHOES

Jane loves when she goes

all authoritarian

on him. Oooh la la.

.

 **5.04 Blood Feud**

.

DEADBEAT DAD

Jane helps Rigsby get

revenge for father. Not sure

he deserved any.

.

 **5.05 Red Dawn**

.

YOU TRIED

And you offered me

kindness rather than pity.

Just what I needed.

.

INSTANT PRIORITY

From the beginning

We were never too busy

To help each other.

.

FOURTEEN YEARS LATER, HOLDING OUR SON

Cold reading was right.

Teresa Lisbon did turn

out to be useful.

.

 **5.06 Cherry Picked**

.

FASHION FAUX PAS

When Lisbon wore Jane's

pajama top to work, not

a soul noticed it.

.

JANE'S OWN DEFINITION

When kidnapper calls

Lisbon a bitch, Jane reacts.

Proof they're a couple.

.

 **5.07 If It Bleeds, It Leads**

.

THOSE ARE THE BRAKES

Catching smarmy news

anchor was easy. Volker

proves more difficult.

.

CLASSIC LINES

Jane nails gossipy

news girl. "Hell has no fury

like a slut outflanked."

.

 **5.08 Red Sails in the Sunset**

.

USER UNFRIENDLY

Lorelei calls Jane

on his manipulation.

Have to give her that.

.

A CLOCKWORK RED

Jane in cervical

collar looks insane. Pretty

damn terrifying.

.

 **5.09 Black Cherry**

.

UNDERSTANDABLE

So Lisbon drools a

Little when she sleeps with Jane.

I sure can't blame her.

.

IT HOLDS THINGS TOGETHER

Missing rug provides

Clue to where murder occurred.

Proves the Dude was right.

.

 **5.10 Panama Red**

.

SEEDS OF CHANGE

Jane finally has lead.

Baked Rigsby solves murder case.

Summer's expecting.

.

EXPECTING MUCH LATER

She surprises Jane.

Smashes puzzle with hammer.

He loves a mystery.

.

 **5.11 Days of Wine and Roses**

HERS

Lisbon plays the judge

Like pro manipulator.

She gets what she needs.

.

HIS

Jane causes fight, plays

rehab psychiatrist. Quite

amused solving case.

 **.**

 **5.12 Little Red Corvette**

.

SO MARRIED PART TWO

She's tired, working late.

He sits to help, sees her food.

"You done with this?" "Yeah."

.

WELL DONE

Lisbon shoots Volker

and gives him a fine right hook

just for good measure.

.

EMPATHY

Jane's able to get

child back to grieving parent.

If not him, someone.

.

 **5.13 The Red Barn**

.

NARROWING THE FIELD

Down to four oh eight.

Ray now viable suspect.

Jane locks his attic.

.

WRONG AGAIN, RAY

"Jane's going to quit

some day and when that happens,

you'll be on your own."

.

 **5.14 Red in Tooth and Claw**

 **.**

GOODNIGHT, MOON

Lisbon faints at worms.

Woman killed over a moth.

Chigsby dinos spar.

.

ALL IN

Jane tutors Bertram

to get Grace's course funded.

Then he smokes Lisbon.

.

 **5.15 Red Lacquer Nail Polish**

.

OLD SCHOOL

Thieving old heiress

plans to sail away with cash.

'Til Jane smokes her out.

.

SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION

Partridge gets off on

Human fat on the light bulbs.

Jane's right. He's a ghoul.

.

 **5.16 There Will Be Blood**

.

TETHERED

Jane trusts Lorelei?

Only Lisbon keeps Jane from

Going off the rails.

.

HE HAD IT COMING

Body left among

discarded carnival things.

Red John's mocking Jane.

.

 **5.17 Red White and Blue**

.

"WE'VE HAD FUN BEFORE"

Jane and Lisbon sing

Kansas City at crime scene.

This never gets old.

.

MORE MEMORIES

The lost heart patient

from The Guardian reborn

as hassled soldier.

.

 **5.18 Behind the Red Curtain**

.

.

CONSULTANT CONFECTION

ICU nurse knows

a sweet treat when she sees one.

And it's not Kirkland.

.

FROM MAJOR TO MINOR

"Trust me, you'll have fun."

JJ goes undercover.

Creepy Kirkland kills.

.

 **5.19 Red Letter Day**

 **.**

CURIOUSER AND CURIOUSER

'Coffee with Kirkland'

Not gonna be hit sitcom.

He steals Jane's research.

.

 **5.20 Red Velvet Cupcakes**

.

LOVE DOCTORED

"Jane, I need you."

"Anything for you, Lisbon."

"Nice to be needed."

.

DO TELL

Jane delivers best

naughty line in whole series.

"We like to watch." Hmm.

.

EYES DO

Their car scene conveyed

more dialogue in shared looks

than hours of talking.

.

QUITE A FEET

Jane's matchmaking for

Wayne and Grace is successful.

Catches perp to boot.

.

 **5.21 Red and Itchy**

 **.**

MUM'S THE WORD

Cat is out of safe.

J.J.'s Tupperware is gone.

Maybe cat got it.

.

ORAL FIXATION

Brenda's wagging tongue

gets her cut by Jane's sharp one.

At least they have theirs…

.

 **5.22 Red John's Rules**

.

IT'S A PROCESS

List down to seven

Jane shares with partner Lisbon.

How far he has come.

.

WHAT NOW?

Happy memory ruined.

Disc proves Red John's way ahead.

Jane at his nadir.

.

WE WERE PAYING ATTENTION

So we assumed that

Thomas McAllister was

Just an also ran.

.

.

.

 _Taking a break to_

 _Do a chapter of Partners_

 _Six to come later._


	6. Season 6

I really don't own The Mentalist. Sadly, 'tis true. No copyright infringement is intended. Definitely no money made.

.

 _Big thanks to those who have reviewed and to those folks who are still reading these crazy things. My obsessive compulsive nature requires that I finish the series, so here goes Season 6:_

.

6.01

 **Desert Rose**

 **.**

ERROR

Who would keep a bowl

of unshelled peanuts inside?

A baseball player.

.

IT'S ALWAYS HARDEST ON THE KIDS

Poor little Van Pelt

squirms in distress witnessing

mom and dad's big fight.

.

HONESTLY

I'll never forgive

this show for not explaining

that list of suspects.

.

DÉJÀ VU ALL OVER AGAIN

If Jane's actions caused

death of the woman he loves?

Twice? Doubt he'd survive.

.

6.02

 **Red Winged Black Bird**

 **.**

WHAT LOVE LOOKS LIKE

Jane has been awake

all night watching over her

with such tenderness.

.

6.03

 **Wedding in Red**

 **.**

DETAILS

I should have known that

McAllister was Red John

from those dang black boots.

.

PROPOSAL

I could marry you

(off) in a minute. Jane is

oh so transparent.

.

HOKEY POKEY

Sorry Simon, you

never looked like you were in

danger of falling.

.

6.04

 **Red Listed**

 **.**

OOPS, WRONG LIST

Kirkland comes unhinged.

Badass Hightower saves day.

Jane keeps his fingers.

.

6.05

 **The Red Tattoo**

 **.**

HE'S DIFFERENT

Jane and Haffner spar.

Gotta admit, it felt good

when Jane schooled ole Ray.

.

SOZ

Jane dashes to the

dot dot dot revelation.

Must unravel code.

.

6.06

 **Fire and Brimstone**

 **.**

LOVE IS STRANGE

Lisbon lies to Jane

while Jane tells Lisbon the truth.

Both because of love.

.

PRECIOUS

Tears fall down Jane's face

driving away from Lisbon.

He couldn't risk her.

.

HOLY HOTNESS BATMAN

The intensity

in Jane's gaze holding shotgun

on all those suspects…

.

6.07

 **Great Red Dragon**

 **.**

SUBTEXT

"…want to stay with him."

(Oh go screw yourself, Bertram)

Well, Lisbon, finally.

.

COLDLY HOT

Reed appeals for deal

"Get up off your ass and walk."

Jane the marble judge.

.

DRAMA

Who the hell are you?

Enter one Dennis Abbott.

The teacup shatters.

.

6.08

 **Red John**

 **.**

FINAL SHOT

She gave Jane her gun.

The ultimate sacrifice.

Symbol of her trust.

.

YOU'D CHOOSE LIFE

The monster dead, he

lifted pistol to his chin.

Then he thought of her.

.

6.09

 **Blue Skies**

 **.**

GOING POSTAL

Being understood

An underrated pleasure.

Letters to Lisbon.

.

EYES DON'T LIE

I knew Jisbon would

happen by the look on Jane's

face when he saw her.

.

6.10

 **Green Thumb**

 **.**

FUTURE JANE TO FUTURE LISBON

You give your husband

the courage to be who he

is on the inside.

.

WOUNDED

Jane gets comeuppance

from Lisbon on that airplane,

hears: "I don't choose you."

.

6.11

 **White Lines**

 **.**

WHAT A DUMB IDEA

Can't believe they thought

audience would accept a

Fischer/Jane pairing.

.

VOICE OF EXPERIENCE

Lisbon knew blondie

wasn't Jane's type. (Guess how?) He

was up to something.

.

RIGHT TO REMAIN SINGLE

Lisbon and Fischer

use their FBI badges

to scare off suitors.

.

6.12

 **Golden Hammer**

 **.**

*#%$ &!

I'd love to know what

Jane said to get himself slapped.

Bet it was nasty.

.

CAVEMAN APPEARS

Jane was surprised by

his own jealous reaction

to Lisbon's "hot" date.

.

6.13

 **Black Helicopters**

 **.**

THAT'S JANE

Jane gifts the inner

child of every team member.

Lisbon is amused.

.

GREEN ACRES

Have to land somewhere.

Country life appeals to Jane.

The seed is planted.

.

6.14

 **Grey Water**

 **.**

CREEPY

Thank you (sarcasm)

to Mentalist writers for

ruining London Bridge.

.

6.15

 **White as the Driven Snow**

 **.**

YEAH RIGS, YOU AND MILLIONS OF FANS

We always figured

that you and Lisbon would get

together, you know?

.

PLAYING WITH THE HOUSE MONEY

Unhinged Jane was quite

convincing. We all know what

he's capable of.

.

HOME, JANE

Hot in chauffeur's cap,

taking people for a fine

ride since way back when.

.

6.16

 **Violets**

 **.**

THE INSIDE WOMAN

He couldn't express

his love in words, so he did

it another way.

.

NO PLACE FABULOUS

When left behind Jane

tossed his party scarf on couch,

my heart broke for him.

.

6.17

 **Silver Wings of Time**

 **.**

PASSIVE OR AGGRESSIVE

Lisbon rubs Jane's nose

in her relationship with

Pike. Cruel on purpose?

.

6.18

 **Forest Green**

 **.**

HIS OWN CON

Jane's trying so hard

to convince himself he should

let Lisbon decide.

.

TIPPING HIS HAND

Irreplaceable

Special Agent Teresa

Lisbon. Beautiful!

.

BAD LIAR

If Pike was married

and divorced, how is he sure

when something is real?

.

6.19

 **Brown Eyed Girls**

 **.**

BROS

Jane's homie Abbott

wising up Lisbon she should

tell Jane about move.

.

BURR UNDER MY SADDLE

Victim Daniella.

Most annoying guest actor

in the whole series.

.

MISCOMMUNICATION

Lisbon wants Jane to

object, but she told him SHE

knows what's best for her.

.

6.20

 **Il Tavolo Blanco**

 **.**

MIXED SIGNALS

They are so confused.

What does a girl want to hear?

Answer uncertain.

.

TRUE LOVE

Jane's character arc

makes important step. His wish

for her, unselfish.

.

DELAYED GRATIFICATION

Lisbon must wait for

several more episodes to

taste Jane's cannoli.

.

6.21

 **Black Hearts**

 **.**

KNOW THINE ENEMY

Pike is desperate

to get her away from Jane.

No pressure my ass.

.

X RAY-TED

This wasn't quite how

I imagined Lisbon and

Jane playing doctor.

.

7.22

 **Blue Bird**

 **.**

DON'T QUIT THAT

This episode makes

me see dancing unicorns

and puke rainbows. Sigh.

.

.

 _Just one more short season..._


	7. Chapter 7

.

I don't own The Mentalist. No copyright infringement is intended.

 _Well, folks, this is the last installment. Thanks for reading._

.

.

7.01

 **Nothing but Blue Skies**

IT'S BEEN NICE

Jane's in a great mood.

Being in love and getting

laid agrees with him.

.

ETIQUETTE 101

You don't disrespect

the woman Patrick Jane loves.

Spackman learns manners.

.

DEFINITION OF DISDAIN

Marcus: "So what are

you offering her, besides

Patrick Jane, I mean."

.

7.02

 **Graybar Hotel**

HERS

I don't know if he's

going to stick around. Her

fear in a nutshell.

.

HIS

Jane runs into store

looking for her body. His

fear in a nutshell.

.

UM. NO.

Really show? Jane and

Lisbon nearly killed and he

hands her Gatorade?

.

7.03

 **Orange Blossom Ice Cream**

.

DRAW

Martins to C 1.

Walter Mashburn to B 2.

Chess lovers' stalemate.

.

DON'T PUT YOUR HANDS ON HIM

"I want a towel."

Jane was seriously pissed off

about being dunked.

.

SHE IS

Jane: "I love Lisbon."

An amazing woman. No

matchmaker required.

.

7.04

 **Black Market**

.

SHE LEARNED FROM THE BEST

Sick Jane's so proud of

his honey, working the crowd

like slick carnie pro.

.

7.05

 **Silver Briefcase**

.

IN SYNC

My girlfriend and I

are out house hunting. Lisbon's

priceless little smile.

.

CASE OF THE CURIOUS BEEKEEPER

I could listen to

Jane and Lisbon bickering

twenty four seven.

.

7.06

 **Green Light**

.

LISBON'S SECRETS

"I don't think I can,

I know I can." Just wait, Jane.

She'll floor you again.

.

RUH ROH

Peterson's gone and

done it now. You don't threaten

someone that Jane likes.

.

HUMP/TEA

Lisbon put Patrick

Jane and his teacup all back

together again.

.

.

7.07

 **Little Yellow House**

.

FAMILY AFFAIR

Jane gets a glimpse of

the life little Teresa

dreamed of way back then.

.

THING OF BEAUTY

Forever grateful

to whoever filmed scene with

cocky, backlit Jane.

.

SHE WAS MOVED, TOO

Smiling Teresa's

ovaries exploded when

she saw Jane with kids.

.

7.08

 **Whites of his Eyes**

.

I GET IT

Compressing chest wound

would spook anyone. What can't

Lisbon understand?

,

LIVE IN THE MOMENT

Wylie and Vega

are so dang cute together.

Makes me sad again.

.

7.09

 **Copper Bullet**

.

DON'T SCREW THIS UP

Jane's "family" turns up

to help him pull the best scam

of season seven.

.

SHORT AND CURLIES

Snap. Abbott's glee as

he took Peterson down was

a joy to behold.

.

GO WILD

Cho celebrates his

important promotion with

another taco.

.

INSANITY

"I don't know how I

would react." Just how obtuse

can you be, Lisbon?

.

.

7.10

 **Nothing Gold Can Stay**

.

THREE SHOTS AND A FUNERAL

Wylie's shattered. Cho's

angry. Lisbon soldiers on.

Jane is terrified.

.

QUID PRO QUO

.

She refused to hear

Jane's deepest fear. He reacts

to validate hers.

.

.

7.11

 **Byzantium**

.

FAILURE TO APPEAR

Furious Lisbon

orders Jane's ass hauled back in.

Because number three.

.

YOU'LL KNOW IT WHEN YOU SEE IT

Looking for answers

Jane wanders into the night.

and wakes up at home.

.

.

KILLER DNA

Her clock was ticking,

and the case was heating up.

Jane came just in time.

.

.

7.12

 **Brown Shag Carpet**

 **.**

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT

Dear Lisbon, This is

how it feels to have the one

you love in harm's way.

.

WELL DONE, SHOW

Didn't breathe at all

while Lisbon checked out Airstream.

We relaxed. Then BOOM!

.

LEARNED WELL, YOUNG PADWAN DID

Creative approach

that Jane taught Wylie ends up

saving Jane's bacon.

.

I DON'T CARE

Nothing else matters

but life of her child's father.

Lisbon goes bad dog.

.

7.13

 **White Orchids**

 **.**

*LE SIGH*

Heads up gentlemen.

This is how you propose to

the woman you love.

.

KEEPIN' IT CLASSY

Turns out that Kimball

is Teresa's best girlfriend.

Friends tell you the truth.

.

ADORKABLE

How stinkin' cute is

our happy pair bickering

about gorgeous ring?

.

NAILED IT

Teresa Lisbon's

best line in the whole series.

"It's a sylvan theme."

.

HAPPILY EVER AFTER

Jane's arc completed

Honest job. True love. A child.

Cured with number three.

.

.

.

.

 _Thanks for sticking with this weird bit of fanfic. I really enjoyed writing it – hope you got a few chuckles._


End file.
